What is Insanity?

What is insanity? 

There are a lot of definitions. There are a lot of large vocabulary words and medical terms to describe what insanity is, but wanting someone you can’t have is probably the most accurate.

Being so wildy attracted to someone you can’t have is insanity. It’s like being hit by a bus everytime you see them. For a fleeting moment the adrenaline kicks in and you feel so high, then the most intense pain you’ve ever felt washes over you like a tidal wave. You leave feeling so alone, so empty, a shell of a human being. That person’s face haunts you. It’s the first one you see when you wake up because all you can dream about is them. It’s the last face you see before you fall asleep. Permanently etched into your vision. It gets to the point where you don’t want to wake up because the life you have with them in dreamland is so perfect and you don’t want to be thrust back into the reality of them not loving you back.

Insanity is feeling your phone go off and hoping it’s them, then feeling your heart sink into your stomach every time it’s not. Insanity is crying on your way to work because you’ve finally let yourself realise you’re in love with them and can’t have them. Insanity is sitting in your kitchen by yourself drinking a cup of coffee remembering what they sound like when they laugh, the sparkle in their eye when they tell you about the crazy shit they get themselves into, how easily they get you to open up to them about anything and everything.

Insanity is wondering. Do they feel the same about you? Do they see you in the same halo of light you see them? Does their heart get ripped out of their chest everytime you leave? Do they lay awake at night thinking about what it would be like to hold you in their arms every day? Do they wonder what you’re thinking when your eyes meet? Do they know how much joy and pain they cause you?

So, by definition, I am insane.

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It’s Been A While

Hello out there! It’s been a while! You know how life can catch you in some busy times. It’s been a busy couple of weeks. I have neglected my blog, but I’m back to a point where I can post every day again! Not much has changed, just been working a lot.

I’ve started going to the gym regularly to get back in shape. I found out really quickly that I’m not in the shape I used to be! What prompted me going to the gym is my dancing is suffering because my muscles have gotten weak and my flexibility is almost gone. So I’m hopping back on the yoga train and I’m working out three times a week.

Wish me luck! Keep an eye out for more posts coming soon!

Blessed be to you all!

Seraphina

Everything is Nothing with a Twist

You know what the best answer to the question “what is it you want from me?” is? “Nothing.”

Saying this to a person who has given everything to everyone they have ever known is the most heartstopping, breathtaking, absolutely freeing response. “A person in my life doesn’t actually want anything from me.” 

Some of you may think “we’ll damn that’s kinda harsh” when in reality it’s the nicest thing someone can say to you. It can translate into “I do not need anything from you, just having you in my life is enough.”

I love balance. Yin and yang, good and evil, everything and nothing, harmony. So in all reality, telling me you need and want nothing from me is basically saying that I’ve already given you everything you want or need. 

I love the above quote because it’s roots are in math. Zero is empty. It is the definition of nothing. Infinity is full. It is the definition of everything. Zero and Infinity are two concepts that are so abstract and hard to comprehend but are so similar and almost the same thing. One is nothing, one is everything. Balance. The same but complete opposites. And like the quote above, infinity is zero twisted. Everything and Nothing are so connected just like everything else in nature. 

Little divergence. One thing that really irritates me is when people get an infinity symbol tattooed on them and they really have no idea what infinity means. Yes it means there is no end, but it is so much more than that.

Infinity has no limits. It is full but it keeps filling up. You can put anything into infinity and it will take it. It’s like continuously pouring water into a glass that fills up but never overflows. On the opposite side of the same spectrum, Zero is empty. It is never full and cannot hold anything. Think of it like the glass of water. Nothing is pouring water into a glass that never fills. The water disappears as soon as it touches the glass and the glass never gets wet. 

And yet if you twist a zero, it becomes an infinity. One small instant in life can take someone from being nothing to you to being your everything. Your zero to your infinity. 

Telling me you need nothing from me is something that can make you my everything. That twist that turns the tables.

So think about what you are to someone. Are you their nothing or their everything? What can you do to twist that nothing into everything? Go out there and find that twist and become someone’s everything!

Blessed be!

Seraphina

Adventures

Adventures aren’t always traveling far away. They can be as simple as going to Waffle House at 3am or a spontaneous trip to the river five minutes from your house. Adventures don’t always have to be with someone else either. You could take a trip to a little hole in the wall used book store or take yourself out to lunch. 

It’s always fun with somebody though. Everyone needs that one person to randomly do shit with. That friend that will call you at 2pm and say “get dressed we’re going on an adventure”. 

Be that friend. Call someone close to you and go do something. Go get coffee. Go get tattoos. Do an impromptu photo shoot in the park near your house. 

Getting ready to move across the country, I’m looking for my adventure buddy. Be that a romantic partner or a friend…doesn’t matter. I’d love to have someone pack everything up and travel with me. On the way to Arizona we will stop at all the breweries on the way. Site see, stay in motels, sing loudly to every song on the radio, just enjoy being together. We can go anywhere and do anything. The world is our playground.

Now accepting applications 😉

Blessed be!

Seraphina

A Little Bit From the Fast Lane

Yes, you read that right. Fuck ’em. If you don’t have haters then you aren’t living your life to the fullest. 

Gossip and rumors happen but you have to learn how to let it roll off your back. Understand that people talk. Boring people talk about you because you are more beautiful, successful, and intellegent than they will ever be. 

I know you’re probably thinking “that is so high school”. You’re right. The people that start this shit are still stuck in high school. They were most likely bullies and had nothing going for them and still don’t, so they resort to spreading rumors and false truths about the successful people around them. They will also be extremely coniving and do things to ruin other people’s livelihoods to get the job that they desire. They know that they have no real skills and have to undermine someone else in order to get where they want to be. Yes, it’s bullshit, but yes it happens. I’ve seen it so many times. We love in a world where no one wants to put effort in anymore, they want the easy way out, or in. 

My advice? Stay away from these people. They will talk about you no matter what but if you leave them be to suffer in their own misery, you won’t fuel their fire.

Remember misery loves company. So fuck ’em. Do you and be you and don’t worry about anyone else.

Blessed be! 

Seraphina 

Not Everyone Matters

Once you stop living your life for everyone else and start living your life for yourself, you find out who your true friends really are. Those who just wanted something from you, to use you and throw you away, suddenly dissappear, and all who remain are those who actually care about you. This number may be small, in fact it’s usually about two or three, but those two or three people are always there for you no matter what. Sometimes a person you thought was your best friend ends up being one of those disappearing acts. It hurts but you are better off for it in the end.

By trying to eliminate things that are tying me down so I can seamlessly move across the country, I feel like I’ve lost a lot of people. One person in particular has used me time and time again and now that I’ve come to terms with it, they have basically left my life completely. Over and over again I have seen this person, my best friend, destroy everything they worked hard for and run to me to save the day. 

No more. I’m not in the saving mood any longer. I don’t want relationships, friendships included, that require me to save someone. I want all the people in my life to walk beside me, not in front of or behind me. I want people in my life that support me as much as I support them. I want people who work WITH me.

“The light from the fires of the bridges I’m burning will guide my way.”

I would love to find someone that will travel the world with me. An adventure partner. Be that a friendship or a relationship, it doesn’t matter. Will I find that person here? Most likely not. I’ve burned so many bridges here in my hometown, I’m surrounded by flames. Granted those flames are giving me the strength and the energy I need to go somewhere completely new and uproot my entire life and start over.

That being said, one soul has touched mine and stoked the fire inside of me, so to speak. This soul brought my name to me, constantly challenges me to think, and gives me a steady unlimited energy stream. I don’t know where this new found connection will take me but I do know that I am better for having met them. I’m putting this in the hands of the universe. Where ever it leads, it leads. If it doesn’t go anywhere, so be it.

Start living your life for YOU and everyone you don’t need will go away and leave those who love you standing there with open arms. Remember: NOT EVERYONE MATTERS. Only a select few matter and those are the ones to focus on. Stop focusing on how other people see you and just BE you.

Blessed be!

Seraphina 

Don’t Waste It

A lot of people were shocked when I quit my teaching career. “You’re leaving a salaried position to go back to bartending?” Or “you’re leaving a respectable job to be a BARTENDER?” Or “your money is never promised in that line of work.” I was called an embarrassment.

I had to do something. I was getting sick every morning before I would get to work. I was having panic attacks three or four times a day. I HATED teaching. I HATED going to work. I didn’t want to wake up in the morning. I was miserable.

So I put in my resignation and got hired on at a bar in Richmond. I HAD to do it. Teaching was literally killing me. 

Now I am so incredibly happy. I get antsy waiting to leave my house for work. Bartending is an art and a science. I get to meet new people every day and I get to see some of the same faces. Every shift is different from the last. I don’t have to live in a box. I can go out and do whatever I want to do without fear of the public seeing me and then losing my job. 

I came across this today which prompted this post:

This is what I have been doing for the past year. Even through the heartbreak I have seriously been happier than I have in my entire life. I am no longer living a life that everyone else wants me to live. I am living for ME. I will eventually find a person that will want to share my life and appreciate me for who I am and what I do, but for right now I am doing what I want to do.

So, take the picture, take the selfie, go to that old bookstore, travel across the country, travel to other countries, go see the world, be happy with who you are and what you want. You only have one life so live it how you want to live it. I know I am and it feels amazing. 

Don’t waste your life.

Seraphina