Alone is an interesting word with a lot of different implications. Alone in the house for a while…alone in the bath tub soaking the work day out of your tired feet…sitting alone in a bookstore using their WiFi to work on school assignments.

Then there is the alone where you sit in the house all day by yourself waiting for your best friend and pretty much husband to get home from a day of work with only the characters from Big Bang Theory to keep you company. The alone where your phone is so silent that you start to wonder why the hell you even pay to keep it turned on. The kind of alone where you finally have a job that gives you copious amounts of time off while you still make enough money to make ends meet and more and finally have the time to write but depression gets the better of you so you sit and do nothing. But you’re not doing nothing, you’re bored as fuck and trying to figure out something to do. So you pack up your laptop in your purse, say bye to the dogs, jump in the car and head to the closest bookstore. Nope. Too many people there. So you go to a local deli and sit for hours finally able to write. But then you get bored again so you go spend money on unnecessary things to waste time till he gets home and end up coming home with bags and an empty wallet wondering why you can’t save money.

Now it’s 1:30am and you can’t sleep but you’re so depressed you have no motivation to do anything but are so bored you have to do something so you start writing a blog post about being alone. Viscious cycle. Big Bang Theory still playing in the background as you try your best to stay quiet so he can sleep because he has to work in the morning.

You know, it’s funny that people call you their friend when you are out in public together but you’re really not. No one calls you or texts you unless they need something from you or all of their other more important friends are busy. The sad part about that though? You’re so desperate to have friends that you’ll jump when they say to. Then you end up getting used and walked all over and swear that you’ll never hang out with them again. Unfortunately the phone rings and you jump when they say so…again.

That is alone. Having only one person in your life that you can rely on because you can’t even rely on yourself. Don’t get me wrong. Having such a person in your life is amazing. He will do anything for you and you love him deeply and will do anything for him…but it’s a lonely existence. Especially when you can’t even think of three people you can rely on, or even want, to be bridesmaids if you two ever got married.

So now it’s 1:44am and you’re sitting alone in the bathroom trying to figure out if you want to take a bath and switch out Big Bang for Friends, still typing. Ehh might as well. I don’t have anything else to do.

“Nah, I’m fine.” She said with a smile.


Not Everyone Matters

Once you stop living your life for everyone else and start living your life for yourself, you find out who your true friends really are. Those who just wanted something from you, to use you and throw you away, suddenly dissappear, and all who remain are those who actually care about you. This number may be small, in fact it’s usually about two or three, but those two or three people are always there for you no matter what. Sometimes a person you thought was your best friend ends up being one of those disappearing acts. It hurts but you are better off for it in the end.

By trying to eliminate things that are tying me down so I can seamlessly move across the country, I feel like I’ve lost a lot of people. One person in particular has used me time and time again and now that I’ve come to terms with it, they have basically left my life completely. Over and over again I have seen this person, my best friend, destroy everything they worked hard for and run to me to save the day. 

No more. I’m not in the saving mood any longer. I don’t want relationships, friendships included, that require me to save someone. I want all the people in my life to walk beside me, not in front of or behind me. I want people in my life that support me as much as I support them. I want people who work WITH me.

“The light from the fires of the bridges I’m burning will guide my way.”

I would love to find someone that will travel the world with me. An adventure partner. Be that a friendship or a relationship, it doesn’t matter. Will I find that person here? Most likely not. I’ve burned so many bridges here in my hometown, I’m surrounded by flames. Granted those flames are giving me the strength and the energy I need to go somewhere completely new and uproot my entire life and start over.

That being said, one soul has touched mine and stoked the fire inside of me, so to speak. This soul brought my name to me, constantly challenges me to think, and gives me a steady unlimited energy stream. I don’t know where this new found connection will take me but I do know that I am better for having met them. I’m putting this in the hands of the universe. Where ever it leads, it leads. If it doesn’t go anywhere, so be it.

Start living your life for YOU and everyone you don’t need will go away and leave those who love you standing there with open arms. Remember: NOT EVERYONE MATTERS. Only a select few matter and those are the ones to focus on. Stop focusing on how other people see you and just BE you.

Blessed be!